“i’m not nervous,” i say, nervously.
We’re in Scotland now. The Airbnb is nice, but it feels a little cold and clinical. A shell of a house that’s seen no love. You know, the kind that says a place has been lived in. Not sure if that's by design, or just because I miss my cats.
The fridge is full of some basic groceries to keep us going over the weekend, and Ma and I are finally winding down for the day. I’m on one sofa playing Animal Crossing while Ma is on the other watching Matlock on TV at a volume I’m sure isn’t acceptable. But hey, she’s stubborn and refuses to use her hearing aid, so. What can you do?
We have a taxi booked for the trip to the hospital in the morning for the pre-op tests. I’ll book another one for the morning of the surgery when we get back from those tomorrow. I’ve been telling people that I’m not nervous about surgery and that I feel more excited, but when I had a panic attack as the plane took off, I viscerally remembered that I often feel my negative emotions in a more physical manner.
My anxiety disorder manifests as a racing heartbeat with pains in my chest and left arm. Sometimes, intense stomach cramps and nausea or - if the body is feeling particularly spicy - total depersonalisation.
I also fidget a lot to keep myself calm or distracted. Usually with my hands, and usually on some poor hoodie sleeve that ends up stretched beyond repair. I have a small piece of fabric from the hoodie I previously ruined doing this, and as I type this post up, I’m twisting it between and around my fingers.
I’ve been doing this so often over the past couple of weeks that the skin on several parts of my fingers is cracked and red. I’m also prone to biting and picking at the skin around the nails. My poor hands have really been through it.
The anxiety goblin in my brain keeps going over how much money this is costing, and repeatedly asks the question of ‘what if I hate my results or regret it entirely’, because this is a major ‘before and after’ type situation, and I can’t really answer. I wouldn’t be surprised if I end up having another panic attack or two between now and surgery because of that alone.
So I think it’s safe to say that I am nervous, actually.
But it’ll be fine, and deep down I know it’ll be worth it.