quitting vaping cold turkey day #1
Stopping an addictive substance cold turkey is not the best way to do things, but it's an experience I'm used to - mostly with caffeine. This time it's nicotine, so I can heal better after top surgery at the end of April. I was at 200 puffs of my vape a day, and then the last three weeks I'd been down to a maximum of 50-75 per day.
Now we're at 0 all of a sudden and lord do I feel it.
I slipped up twice before Ma managed to hide all my stuff, so now I am feeling shame the likes of which could power the entire solar system for a thousand years if transferring emotions into energy were a thing. I hate that, but I'm using that feeling as motivation. I also hate that my head hurts because all I want is to vape SO badly, and the hellbrain hates that it isn't being listened to.
I really hate feeling my irritation shift from 0 - 100, though. Like, Ma sat us right next to a table with two crying babies when we went out to eat today (building was empty other than us and them, we could've sat literally anywhere) and I was so sure I was about to be on the news. I'm pretty sure I just disassociated through dinner.
None of this is good, obviously, and only speaks loudly about the unfortunate dependency I have on the substance.
I have something to fidget with so I can ease the itch of reaching for something, and I have a new daily planner for studying that I'll rework into something useful for me. I need to see a Doc about what local resources we have, and ask for advice regarding my ADHD. My unmedicated / self-medicating ass is going to be so scattered soon and I just know that's going to cause a rough irritation loop.
I'll be fine soon and it'll absolutely be worth it, it'll just suck for a while.
At least the Steam Spring Sale is on and I got paid today.